As social media users get younger and younger, I find myself worrying about future generations. From poor grammar to misinterpreting Romeo and Juliet to an inane number of selfies, I’m surprised most of them understand how to form complete sentences. (Many don’t, by the way.)
I can’t throw all social media heresy at younger generations. Looking back at my own Xanga and Expage (true story) I discover that I started out just as green as today’s tweens, and look at me now. (Looks at self, looks at Bachelor of Journalism hanging on the wall, hangs head in shame.)
OK, so I’m not the shining beacon of all media, but I feel like I have an understanding of what should/should not be posted to prevent your future self from facepalming and saying, “Oh, come on!” Here are my guidelines to surviving social media. Justin Bieber.
1. Whenever you post a status, take a step back and ask yourself, “If my frenemy posted this, would I mock it?” If the answer is, “Yes, and that bitch has it coming,” then don’t post it. This includes basic feeling posts, emoticons, vague subliminal messages that address the undefined “you”, etc.
2. Google is a search engine. Before you post a “fact” or a “quote” take the extra step and verify it’s validity.
3. Do you see red squiggly lines under your posts? That means you spelled a word incorrectly. That being said, “I” is the only complete word with one letter, vowels are necessary for words to make sense, and inventing a way to spell a word is only acceptable if you have some degree of celebrity (and even then it’s sketchy).
4. Grammar is your friend. Form complete sentences or don’t write anything. And FOR THE LOVE OF GOD:
- Look over THERE. I can see THEIR dog running away. THEY’RE terrible at building fences.
- WRITE this down on the RIGHT side.
- YOU’RE pretty in spite of YOUR face.
- The cup lost ITS contents. IT’S lucky you drank it.
- A LOT
- Your mom is bigger THAN a house. I’m going to punch you THEN run away.
5. Do you know how Romeo and Juliet ends? SPOILER ALERT! They both die. Everyone dies. It’s a blood bath. Just because Taylor Swift sings her version of things doesn’t make it any different. You are 13 years old. Fall in love with a book.
6. Marilyn Monroe was not a role model. Stop quoting her. She didn’t say half the things you think she did. You wanna quote someone? Try Helen Keller. Rosa Parks. Hell, Google Liz Lemon and take something from her.
7. Selfies are cute. Selfies are fun. One a day, maximum. Your beauty does have its limits, and if the aborigines are right, and pictures steal a bit of your soul, you’re going to want to be on the under side of that statistic.
Honestly, social media is rooted in entertainment, so I don’t want to rain on your parade, but if just a few of you youths could make us oldies feel a little better about your generation, I know I’d appreciate it.