To quote Julia Roberts in Notting Hill, “I’ve been on a diet every day since I was nineteen, which basically means I’ve been hungry for a decade.” Except I haven’t been on a diet since I was 19…because I like food.
My diets typically last one week at a time, and start with a celebrity endorsement and end with something involving bacon. I would love to lose weight, but I would also love to eat more. This is my problem.
There are many dieting woes out there, but here are some of mine.
- I have no idea how vegans do it. One too many salads and I find myself on WebMD looking up “lockjaw”. Salad bars aren’t bad, but I don’t know if bacon, eggs, cranberries, nuts and half a cup of dressing over a mini bed of lettuce truly constitute a “salad”.
- Did you know alcohol has calories? And here I thought I was beating the system by switching out a fatty dinner for a vodka cranberry. Wine is made from grapes…that should be a fruit. Vodka’s made from, what, potatoes? Vegetable. It shouldn’t be this difficult.
- Whenever I have a good day of eating well, I feel like I should be rewarded…with food. And not, like, a fun size Snickers. I come home from work and want a family size chicken pot pie, a fork and Jillian Michaels standing above me saying, “You’ve earned this.”
- For every low-calorie recipe on Pinterest, there are four more cream-based, bacon topped, caramel coated recipes to fill your cookbook. Pair them with all those exercise pins you haven’t gotten around to and you just might break even.
- Restaurants have started posting nutrition information on menus. This is good to deter you from super sizing, but it also eliminates the element of surprise. Take off your rose colored glasses, because you’re stuck looking at the soups and salads.
- Have you ever tried themed Oreos? Like, the ones that have orange filling in October, red in December, pastel in March…they’re amazing. They aren’t quite double stuffed, but have more filling to cookie ratio than regular. And themed Oreos are just the beginning. Chocolate filled Santas, marshmallow dreidels, AN ENTIRE DAY IN DEDICATED TO EATING…November and December hate diets.
- I hate wasting food. I love leftovers, but when there isn’t enough to rationalize dirtying Tupperware, I always find myself bent over the pot with a protective glare in my eye and a spork in my hand.
Ugh! No more excuses! The diet starts today! Or tomorrow…I just ate a cookie.
Originally published on Hahasforhoohas.