I am not a runner.
I’m not totally physically inept, but I’m not a runner. I played sports in high school, and displayed Olympic-quality potential, up until running became a deciding factor (soccer, basketball and softball, in that order). I never used “women problems” to get out of P.E., but I scheduled a counselor’s appointment in the middle of our last gym class so I didn’t have to run the two mile final. And if you found me running in public, there’s a good chance you’d find a zombie behind me, or a cupcake in front of me.
I am not a runner, so why I thought running a half marathon would be fun, is beyond me.
Up until now, my “marathon” accomplishments have involved my couch, Tyra Banks, and a group of bright-eyed hopefuls vying to be America’s Next Top Model. 13.1 miles…that’s traveling. That’s someone saying, “The closest mall is thirteen miles down the road,” and you thinking, “That’s a very long way away. I’ll just get some jeans at KMart.”
In my four short weeks of training, I’ve started and ended eight different diets, experienced enough chaffing to make Smokey the Bear nervous in a drought-ridden Colorado, and discovered that Fatboy Slim’s “The Rockafeller Skank” is cute in “She’s All That”, but not when you’re about to collapse in a pool of your own sweat. On top of all that, I’m a ginger, and running any distance makes my face an adorable mix between “blushing” and “third degree sunburn”.
Through all of this, I have developed a repertoire of reasons not to run. I’m not going to call them “excuses”, because I have this fear that Jillian Michaels surfs the internet, looking for chubsters in chat rooms whining about their work out, so she can intimidate into shape. (Maybe that’s what I need…meh, whatevs.) Instead, I shall call these “Cupcake Recipes”.
Cupcake Recipe #1: I can’t run today…I have to run tomorrow.
One of the hells and joys of being on a running schedule is that you have running days (hell) and rest days (joy). So on the days where someone else goes to the gym, acting all superior, I take satisfaction in telling them that I am required to rest…for tomorrow, I dine in hell.
Cupcake Recipe #2: I already showered.
The logic behind this one is faulty, so be sure to do your hair and put on make-up and real people clothes. This is especially helpful if you aren’t a very hygienic person, because then you can’t be argued with…you bathed. What more do they want from you?
Cupcake Recipe #3: I need new shoes.
This is a solid excuse, up until the point where you inevitably get new shoes. Then you have fancy feet, and should be showing them off.
Cupcake Recipe #4: It’s raining/too hot/too cold/etc.
The weather can be an inhibiting factor. You wouldn’t want to catch a cold/heat stroke from pursuing your lifelong current dream of half-marathon success, would you? If the news tells you to stay inside, you stay inside! You do not want to be a statistic.
Cupcake Recipe #5: I don’t want to.
WARNING! This one will be followed up by a guilt trip, both external and internal. People will tell you that you’ll feel better when you’re done, and you’ll appreciate it in the long run. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS! They want your spot on the couch…you’ve made a nice butt indent, and those fade. Also, your brain will try to tell you that you’re lazy for not going. AGAIN, DO NOT FALL FOR THIS! Your brain’s just revolting against the episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” you accidentally watched…turn on the Discovery Channel for a bit. You’ll bounce right back!
Cupcake Recipe #6: My iPod isn’t charged.
To follow through with this, hide the charger and/or the iPod. You’ll know where it is, but that’s not the point. Out of sight, out of mind.
Even with all of these brilliant Cupcake Recipes, I usually still end up running. It hurts, but I read on Pinterest once that sweat was pain leaving the body, or something. Whatever, I’m just in it for the endorphins!
(The St. Louis Rock’n’Roll Half Marathon is set to go down on October 21, 2012, and I will be at the starting line, searching for someone to give me a piggy back ride around mile 7. Do you have plans to run a race any time soon? Let’s hear your best Cupcake Recipe!)
Originally published on Hahasforhoohas.
UPDATE: I ran the Rock’n’Roll Half Marathon on October 21st…Overall time = 2:11:15. Finished 3772 out of 9362 overall. 211 out of 541 in my age division, 1803 out of 6043 in my gender. One of the best things I’ve done!