From the battle of princesses to the battle of…well, the opposite of princesses.
Lady Gaga and Ke$ha. Two women who changed their name to hide their identities, and then embarked on an adventure that could only be described as, “…why?”
It’s important that we all face the facts…we enjoy at least one of their songs. You’ve accidentally lost track of the lyrics and found your toe tapping along to one of their pop hits, and then Googled it only to find a picture of one of them wearing a condom as a dress, or something ridiculous that made you rethink the importance of your eyes.
Ke$ha is what happens when Taylor Swift and David Bowie share a bottle of Jack Daniels and experiment with the “glitter” section of Pinterest.
Lady Gaga is what happens in “She’s All That” when Zack (Freddie Prinze Jr.) asks Laney’s younger brother to make him a margarita, and he just sort of mixes all the booze together.
Both make you want to drink, in a good way and a bad way. Both involve outfits and costumes that you would only wear if you lost a bet. Both “dance”…I’ll just leave it at that.
But at the end of the day, who personifies that weird “IT” factor, that no one truly strives to achieve?
I believe that would be Lady Gaga. Ke$ha is an auto-tuned mess that makes me want to give her a bath and a warm meal, much like a homeless person.
Lady Gaga writes her music, however weird it might be. She has a voice, no matter how much it might grate at your nerves during the “ra-ras” of “Bad Romance”. She’s a force to be reckoned with.
Ke$ha just needs a nap.
Winner: Lady Gaga.
(I am so bad at this…the championship game is tonight, and this is slowly turning into a parody of April Madness. My apologies. If you can bear with me, after all the hype has worn off, I promise I’ll get this damn tournament finished eventually.)
We’re arrived at the Princess Battle.
Old school v. new school.
Magic curse v. fairy godmother.
Let’s do this.
Belle. She’s a “plain” girl, living in a “small provincial town” with “her nose stuck in a book”. Pretty much, she’s that nerdy, cute girl that everyone makes fun of, but she’s actually pretty and smart and pretty much everything parents hope their daughters become…oh, except for the whole bestiality thing.
Cinderella. She’s a pretty girl, kept under wraps by her evil stepmother and ugly stepsisters. She keeps a relatively upbeat attitude, in spite of the fact that her best friends are rodents and she’s responsible for, like, all of the chores of a rather large house. No one really envies her until the end.
They both had their magical elements: Belle with an enchanted castle, and Cinderella with a fairy godmother. But here’s the kicker: they both had extremely effed up relationships.
Belle was captured by a beast…and then, what, developed Stockholm syndrome and started getting turned on by Fuzzy McGee?
Cinderella meets a guy, and after one night BAM! He’s hooked. And she just plays along. I’m pretty sure that fairy godmother added a little something to Cindy’s bippity-boppity-boudoir, if you know what I mean, because there’s no way a guy is all smitten after just one dance.
I’m gonna have to give this one to Cinderella. No, Belle didn’t judge a book by its cover, but she also shouldn’t have looked at Chewbacca with beer goggles.
Also, Cinderella did all that while wearing glass heels. Respect.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why we are here.
Two great entities, Rangers and Ninjas, have come together to battle it out and see who shall be victorious.
Let’s get started.
Power Rangers each have a color – no matter how racist it was – and their own weapons and megazord dinosaur alter egos. They were teenagers with high school problems, complete with bullies and love interests. (Tommy and Kimberly were totally hooking up.)
The turtles were teenagers, too…AND RADIOACTIVE, so they had their own shit to deal with. They were named after Renaissance artists and each have their own weapons and masks. (Which are kind of moot, because they’re freaking turtles.)
Power Rangers have Zordon, an epic wizard stuck in a time warp. He’s a freaking floating head, with a Morgan Freeman-like voice.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have Splinter, a mutant rat who can kick some ass.
Power Rangers had “It’s morphin’ time!” And then they got to yell out the name of their dinosaur name…which I still do, from time to time.
Ninja Turtles had “Cowabunga!” and the second movie had a really awesome song by Vanilla Ice.
Power Rangers mostly just got moody, as all teenagers do. And they would brood. And they were in high school. So they just got annoying.
Ninja Turtles ate A LOT of pizza. Like, I’m pretty sure that’s all they ate. That can’t help you, in the long run, or with the acne the teenage years blesses you with, but they somehow made it work.
While the Power Rangers’ only real vice is being teenagers, the turtles made the best of what they got. They trained all the time, had to live under ground, and were pretty much the only radioactive turtles ever.
Given that, the winner of best teenage superhero team is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
What is a jargo? What is a joverall?
Jean + cargo = jargo.
Jean + overall = joverall.
While these distinctions might be irrelevant, they are important. You see, overalls and cargo pants were both extremely popular in the 90s. Everyone from TLC to NCYNC rocked overalls like they were trendy farmers, and cargo pants were the easiest way to say, “I don’t care what you think, but if I did, I’d keep those cares in all of my pockets.”
However, times have changed. Both of these trends are quite dead, and while there have been various detours on the route to their demise (corduroy, khaki, etc.), it’s the jean version of these bottom dwellers that are the worst offenders.
So now we must know…are jargos or joveralls more taboo?
And here is how they are trying to trick you:
You guys, I can’t even find pictures of people wearing jargo pants. They have learned the error of their ways and have burned them.
So due to lack of evidence, I have to say the winner (or in this case, bigger loser) is Joveralls.
Don’t let joveralls happen to you!
Thin Mints and Tagalongs. The two cookies that have dominated Girl Scout cookie sales since before my time spent in the brown vest of Brownie-dom. (The difference being that when I was a Brownie, they were called Peanut Butter Patties, but apparently that descriptive title was too much for cookie lovers to handle.)
We would always order equal amounts of each, and my mom would hide the extra boxes from us: thin mints in the freezer, tagalongs in the cupboard. As a child, I was a tagalong fan. As a grown up, I am a thin mint fan. As a human, I am a cookie fan, and am therefore unbiased when presented with either.
This battle is close.
Almost too close to call.
The winner: Thin Mints, for their versatile nature and relevance in Pinterest recipes.
The winner of each of these will go head to head in the next round…a battle of epic proportions.
Let’s start with Brad Pitt v. Tom Cruise.
Both respectable gentlemen in their late 40s/early 50s with interesting personal lives and epic film careers.
They’ve both carried franchises (Ocean’s Eleven and Mission Impossible, respectively) and both featured in Interview with the Vampire.
Both have been nominated for Academy Awards, and both have been denied Academy Awards.
What does this battle come down to?
Both have done short:
Both have done shoulder length: (And Tom with a hint of bangs…)
And both have done long…like, really long:
So, who wore it better?
The winner: Brad Pitt. He’s embraced the grey, the facial hair, the frosted tips. He’s a hair chameleon. Tom Cruise’s long hair is just full of Scientology and Katie Holmes drama. He should just stick with the Mission Impossible 3 crew cut.
ONTO THE MACHINES!
Iron Man v. Megatron…those pesky robots in disguise.
Both have comic book roots, not to mention a series of movies and an endless amount of promotional materials.
To quote Captain America, “Big man in a suit of armor. Take that away and what are you?”
Iron Man = A genius billionaire playboy philanthropist.
Megatron = Naked.
Winner: Iron Man (cue AC/DC)
The next round will see Brad Pitt take on Iron Man…well damn.
But before then, we head to the bottom left of the bracket. Stay tuned!
90s showdown. Let’s take it to the charts:
<< Prom queen | Valedictorian >>
<< Epic hair >>
<< Dates everyone | Cory’s girl >>
<< Heart of gold >>
<< Everyone wanted to be her >>
<< Emotional | Had her shit together >>
<<Wanted to be her friend>>
This 90s battle is tough, but I think Kelly had it easy. She was an airhead who wore suspenders with a crop top.
And there was a time we all wondered if we could pull off the name “Topanga”.
Winner: Topanga Lawrence.
Pop phenoms. Killer wardrobes. Nicknames galore. Feminism.
This is the Girl Group battle.
First of all, we have the personalities. Every good girl group has members with easily identifiable traits that people can relate to.
Let’s start with TLC.
Chili: the skinny, quiet, pretty one…Left-Eye: the short, quirky, loud one who rapped and did the Nelly thing before Nelly…and T-Boz: the leader of the group with a sense of humor and a severe case of bitch face.
Now Spice Girls.
That about sums it up.
I mean, SG definitely win this category. Everyone fought to be Baby Spice, and got mad when they were forced to be Ginger Spice because she was the only one with red hair. Friendships were gained and lost through these Spice Girls politics.
Next category: rapping.
“Now this is the story from A to Z…” We all rapped along with the Spice Girls, even though we had no idea what they were saying. We pretended to comprehend British slang, and our minds were blown when we realized they were saying “slam your body down and wind it all around” and not just a stream of gibberish.
But this goes to TLC. You know it’s legit when Left-Eye starts talking about how she “seen a rainbow yesterday” in “Waterfalls”. (And she also broke it down in NSYNC’s “Space Cowboy”…don’t act like you don’t remember.)
Fashion: it’s a tie.
TLC covered the whole spectrum, from the baggy clothes to the more skimpily clad. Plus, Left-Eye had that Nelly bandaid thing going on.
Spice Girls made platforms cool -which is actually unforgivable, but it made short girls happy. They dressed to their personalities, which made me want to be Sporty Spice…because sweat pants.
What this battle comes down to is girl power.
TLC taught us to say no to scrubs.
Spice Girls reminded guys that if you wanted to be our lover, you have to get with our friends.
This round goes to Spice Girls.